As of this post, in just a few hours I will have been born 38 years ago. 38 isn’t really an odd number. The three is just fooling you, because it’s multiplied by 10, which means it’s basically even.
I’m also not the kind of person who judges years. Or I try not to be. But the past 13 months or so have been kinda wild and rocky. I’ve reconnected with friends, tried some audacious things and failed, dropped some things that weren’t working, had a hell of a lot of trouble keeping up with routine, spent a lot of it feeling rather detached from reality, had my blood pressure spike higher than it’s ever been before and now remain steady at a level that’s lower than I’ve ever measured it, and I’m keeping up with my comic again. It’s kind of hard not to feel judgmental about such a year, and I’m leaving out the best and the worst of it! Both the best and the worst of it stand to make the next year of my life really insane! I’m very likely to have some big news of some sort along the line, but you know what? I’m also very likely not to share it!
And it’s not just because I don’t want to enable self destructive life comparisons, or warrant admonishments of any sort.
You see, one of the things that has started to happen to me in the past couple of months is that I’ve started to let the big things go. I’ve got some big plans, but they’re going to take a long while to pan out. And I’ve got a bunch of little plans, and I finish those every week. And then crap happens. And the crap comes in all sizes, too. And the crap interrupts these things a lot. But I think I’m finally, finally starting to notice that after I suffer the crap, all my plans are still there. And it’s not just pretty damn easy to pick up the pen again and start making my marks, it’s almost impossible not to.
And I’m not exactly proud of that tenacity, I’m bemused by it. Because, like breathing, even when it all seems absolutely pointless and even painful I still do it. And that is funny. No, it’s really funny. For all sorts of reasons!
I don’t know. I’m definitely not a whole lot less selfish than I’ve been. I definitely take care of myself when I stumble, and maybe I coddle myself just a little too much occasionally. And all that does make it hard to look out for my friends and family at times. But something snapped in the last couple of months, something changed and I’m feeling a lot less anxiety, and if it hadn’t done that, I’m pretty damn certain I’d still be looking at Level 3 Hypertension, and that would be bad.
Adults, and by adults I mean the kids who told me what life is supposed to be about for the past 38 years, go on and on about letting things go, not getting so worked up about things, realizing that life isn’t fair, and just making the best of things, and to keep trying while I’m at it. Unfortunately, these are not the kinds of things most people can learn by hearing words. But hearing the words over and over certainly does help me recognize it when the rest of my body finally gets it!
I’m definitely not getting my stride right now. I’m still stumbling on a knee and two hands. But I’ve got my breath, maybe, and every now and then my laughter isn’t hysteria but genuine, and that’s something!
Thank you! Thank you all so much for reading this blog and my comic and for your feedback. It’s been a joy so far!
Go me! Go on! That’s it, a little further! originally appeared on Drawing Contraption on 2013/08/24.